Healthy Congregations Require Non-Anxious Leaders

A summary of insights from Peter Steinke on churches as relational systems

On my recent study break, I read two books from the late Peter Steinke that explore churches as “emotional or relational systems”. Those familiar with Steinke’s work will know that he applies the work that both Edwin Friedman and Murray Bowen did with family systems theory to congregations. The first book I read, thanks to a recommendation from my friend, Aaron Stern, was “How Your Church Family Works” (there is an updated version that I wish I had read, but I don’t think the new material is substantial). I loved it so much I read his follow up, “Healthy Congregations”. That was not as meaty, but it had a few helpful sections. Rich Villodas, who has long been familiar with Steinke’s work, pointed me to a wonderful lecture Steinke gave to a Unitarian group (Steinke himself was a Lutheran, I think).

I wanted to try to summarize and synthesize what I learned and write it down in a way that would be easier to integrate and apply. Here are my notes in the form of ten questions. I hope it’s helpful to you.

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1. What is anxiety in the context of relational systems (as in Family Systems Theory)?

Anxiety in this context refers to emotional or relational stress. Anxiety or angst is bound to occur in any relational or emotional system— a family, a friendship, a team, or a church.

The anxiety is not the sickness. Even the reaction or reactivity is not the sickness. The sickness is when it sticks, when it makes the system rigid and inflexible, stuck in a pattern of responses.

2. How does anxiety show up?

It often shows up as reactivity. But reactivity may be expressed as attacking or withdrawing, accusing or refusing.

3. What does it take for anxiety to stick, to actually infect the system?

It looks like secrets: secret conversations, whispers, side-bars. The content is irrelevant; it’s the process— the very fact that a secret conversation is happening— that is the problem.

It also looks like triangles: when a third person is introduced into a stress that is between two people. Triangles are always forming. Pastors will often be the third party added to other sources of relational anxiety. The most responsible and the most vulnerable in a relational system are the most likely to be triangulated.

Finally, it looks like fusing with or cutting off an individual. Often the result of over-focusing on a person (like a pastor!), people will then fuse with them or cut them off when they are experiencing anxiety in the system.

4. What is required to cure the infection?

A strong “immune system” begins with non-anxious leaders. People who are well-differentiated and can remain calm, aware, and present are able to see the situation as a system not as an instance and stay focused on the direction they want the organization to move in. This may mean a clear vision of “how we handle these kinds of situations”, or it may mean determining certain outcomes you are not OK with (gossip, etc.) and certain outcomes you are open to (eg., a staff member leaving or staying). At times, articulating a clear policy can be helpful.

The thing to avoid is an overreaction or over-correction. Like an autoimmune response in the body, when a leader matches reactivity for reactivity, they create more sickness in the system.

All of this requires a high pain tolerance in the leader. The degree that we are able to tolerate pain in others is the degree to which they will be able to grow. The degree to which we are able to tolerate pain ourselves is the degree to which we will be able to grow.

5. What is self-differentiation?

Differentiation requires definition.

First, it requires a definition of the situation. Don’t squash anxiety when it rises; name it; put it on the table. Refrain the issue with a wider lens. See the system not just the symptom.

Secondly, it requires defining yourself. Use “I” statements— “I will do this…”, or “I made a mistake…” or “I thought…” Define yourself and not the other. Resist the urge to blame— “If they would just…”

Thirdly, determine a direction for the situation. Where do you want to go? What would like to do? What is the result you want?

Finally, distinguish between operating out of the thinking brain and operating out of the feeling brain. Step back and calm down. Become aware of yourself and of the situation.

6. What do you do with chronically anxious people?

First, don’t let them affect you. Don’t let their functioning affect your functioning. See above on differentiation.

Secondly, don’t let them infect the system. Don’t give them influence or leadership.

7. What do you do with acutely anxious people (where the anxiety arises from situations or is episodic)?

There are a few helpful practices to soothe an anxious person or system. First, play together. This calms the anxiety and returns joy to the relationship. Secondly, nurture them. One of the best ways to nurture people is to feed them, to eat meals together. The brain associates food with nurture. Thirdly, in an appropriate way, use physical touch— a gentle hug, a pat on the back, a squeeze of the shoulders, etc. Finally, use mirroring to meet them in their emotion without taking on their anxiety. Mirroring their physical posture and facial expressions is a powerful way of communicating empathy.

8. What happens if you react out of anxiety towards someone but they genuinely have done something wrong?

Stay calm, aware, and present. Don’t just focus on their part; focus on yours. Own your own participation in the system/dynamic nature of the relationship.

Confront without attacking; inquire without accusing. Give them room— space and time— to see their own flaw and own it. Accept that they may never come to see or own it. Not every relationship can be salvaged.

9. What might be causing a person to respond to you with a fight, flight, or freeze response?

Typically, it’s because the reactive, instinctive brain has a past memory of a threat, either from you or from a similiar situation. It doesn’t know how to distinguish past from present.

10. How do you help a person who is reacting to you with a fight, flight, or freeze response?

First, define yourself— become aware of your own actions, the unintended messages you may be sending, the lack of sensitivity you may be displaying.

Second, differentiate yourself— you don’t have to take on their feelings or agree with their assessment of the situation in order to show empathy and be close to them; you can feel their pain without becoming them.

Third, metanoia is the cure for paranoia— repent and ask for forgiveness for your part to play in the situation; don’t over own; but don’t displace blame either.